Thursday, February 3, 2011

God Slap

2 books that are currently happily consuming my "quiet time"
This may just end up being a whole lot of mumbled jumbled no sense making sentences.....but I'm gonna type it out anyways cause it's "where I'm at"!
I am not a new Christian in the sense that I grew up in a Christian {Seventh Day Adventist} home. We went to church weekly. We went to Christian schools. We prayed religiously. We read stories from the Bible. We had worship. I am not making light of this mom and grandparents BELIEVED in God with everything in them & their intentions where completely intent. I'm merely stating that I grew up doing what I was taught & never put much thought or emotion into what I was living.....this "Christian" life of mine.

I went through a bit of a rebellious time in my life.....started at some point in high school & lasted until I had my 1st child.....even lingered around here & there until about a year ago. And in saying rebellious I mean I only went to church because I had to [per school rules} or if the parents/grandparents were visiting. I prayed when I was extremely desperate & in need of God answering a prayer on MY terms & in MY favor. I had Kayden in '03 & instantly felt the need to raise her "right"......going to church, praying with her, & teaching her about God....even though I felt EXTREMELY unfit for that job. For years, though, I still went to church because it seemed the thing I "needed" to do for her to "turn out right". And again I seemed to only pray when I was desperate......or before Kayden's meal times and bedtimes cause that's "what you do"...right? *I must intercede here & say that I wasn't trying to live a purposely fake Christian life......I think/believe I wanted to live my life for God & I wanted to do right & I wanted to have a God centered home, I just didn't know how & furthermore I had not a 1 clue where to begin living that intentional life.* Yet I seemed stuck because I never felt "good enough" to believe that he listened to me or cared for me or that my concerns where important enough to him. I am soooo good at comparing myself to others that I never felt I could tune into God & really listen to him like all these other God loving/serving people I see & soooo want to be like! I believe you can only keep yourself "stuck" for a certain time period until you just start feeling flat out "blah" with life. BLAH. Blah enough to know that I had NO reason to complain about my life. I have a wonderful husband, 2 beautiful healthy girls, a good job, a comfortable house, clothes, food, cars, family whom I love & loves me right back, friends and friends and friends. What was I lacking to leave me feeling so blah? Maybe that close close close in tune relationship with God??? At that point I only knew to start praying.....I wanted to SERVE HIM. DO YOU HEAR ME? SERVE HIM! I wanted to have that happiness that I see in other people who SERVE Him! What could measly little unimportant me do to serve him though?? I'm a "behind the scenes" kinda girl....well at least to keep me comfortable, do you know what I mean? I want to be a comfortable Christian. So I'm down on hands & knees begging God to LEAD ME....LEAD MY FAMILY. PLEASE GOD LET US SERVE YOU. Through a series of events {which is a WHOLE other story for another blog post} I have felt completely & overwhelmingly lead to adopt.....not domestically but internationally. Um HELLO God, my husband is not a fan of adoption cause you know God I've talked to him about this several times over the last several years {when we can birth our own} & we....well....we don't have $35,000. How in the world am I to bring a starving, clothes-less, homeless, parent-less child into my home with those 2 major factors standing in my way? I'm not sure God is leading me down that smooth comfortable road I.....I you hear's been a bumpy uncomfortable road to say the least, but you know what? My eyes are being opened to the fact that this isn't a "what I did story" or "what I want story" or "comfortable Christian road story". It's His story. It's what I'm praying for but don't really know what I'm praying for story. I want to serve Him, this much I know. I know I need to calm down & rely on His timing, NOT mine. I know I need to let Him take the lead & let His story unfold in my life. Let go. Let go. Let go. Oooooo that's hard. Through many many talks with my husband, which NEEDED to happen. To start talking together as a couple about what GOD wanted us to do with our lives, not what WE WANTED, what He wanted. They were not all easy happy in complete agreeance talks, yet we have come to agree on something..... to one day bring a child into our family. We do not know the details as in: when this child will join our family or how old that child will be or where that child will come from or what the gender of that child will be or HOW IN THE WORLD we will fund the HUGE bill that comes with international adoption. But we know that God has placed the burden on our hearts [even if on mine first & then persisted through me to annoy & pester Jon until he HAD no choice but to pray & think about adoption} to help a child. We are in a "holding phase" if you will, working towards paying off debt so that we can then save money for that child who NEEDS us. There are mountains to be moved here people, but you know the funny part? I KNOW HE CAN MOVE THEM? I'm there at this time in my life, I have that trust that He CAN & WILL move those mountains. Where I'm lacking in faith & trust right now is this: I want this process to happen TODAY. I want to win the lottery TODAY so that we can pay ALL bills today & we can move forward TODAY with bringing home a baby/child TODAY. Sitting still & listening & trusting is where I'm having trouble today. Learning that we are going to have to say no to certain things, hard hard hard as those decisions may be {we've had to say no to 2 HUGE things in the last couple weeks that were very important to me & my family} I have to trust Him. Trust that He will bring us out of this a stronger couple. Stronger Christians who LOVE Him & love to serve Him. Stronger individual people who learn to listen to Him more, to what He wants us to do & less to what we want us to do. I can't expect that this journey will be easy, He never promised easy. I still feel so "virgin" to this relationship I have with Him. I still don't fully understand SOOOO many things.....I'm unsure about Grace? How do I know when He is talking to me or leading me? What in the world does that Bible verse mean? And more importantly how does it apply to my life?......Oh the uncertainties are endless. BUT I took that 1st blind step just about a year ago trusting that He would help me begin. Begin a relationship that's mine.....not what I think others have or what I was taught to have but MINE. I've fallen a thousands times over. I am not perfect, I do not claim to be. I may not do things that you deem "good" but I'm finally choosing to walk my road with God....not the road I think you want me to walk or what I think roads others are walking. My road. Me & God. I. AM. A. SINNER. But a sinner begging God to walk with me daily, leading me to serve him daily......even in those "holding times".
Well I think I'm done, I may have lost you completely & quite possibly you're not even reading anymore. That's ok, I just typed out all the craziness that's been hoarded up in this brain of mine & even had a couple aha moments along the way!

And the book above: "One Thousand Gifts" AWESOME. LIFE CHANGING. I opened my Bible to Daniel this morning & read several chapters....closed the Bible & thought: "what in the world did I just get out that for my life today? what in the world were You trying to teach me God? was it a refresher course in Bible stories from my younger days?" I then moved on to reading Chapter 3 of this book. Is is coincidental that several verses from Daniel, which I read this morning, where found in that chapter? NO WAY! I have had to pray that God will SLAP ME IN THE FACE.....really at this point {in my new ever growing relationship with Him} I need some slapping cause otherwise I don't know if He is talking to me or I'm talking to me?? So He slapped me, in the most beautiful kind of way! I had chills. I have chills. Then I came here & without meaning to or pre-planning to I opened my heart to you & better yet opened my mind {through typing} to more of how I really am listening to God but didn't even know it!


Hanne Noel said...

i just started one thousand gifts this week! are you in the book club thing too??? am excited to get into it more, but so far, love it.

Erika Reiner said...

You inspire me...couldn't love ya more!


Kristi said...

it is very brave of you to share your spiritual journey. you have a gorgeous soul.

Heather Fig said...

I can't tell you how many times I've thought of you & lifted you up in prayer in the last month! Maybe a million, okay probably a thousand. I love you Kera & truly believe our paths crossed in high school to support, challenge, inspire & love each other thru adulthood. Thank you for sharing and pouring out your story into this blog. LOVE YOU!

Heidi said...

Great thoughts & post. I wrestle with God like this. Or perhaps I just wrestle with myself. Yes, I'm fighting myself. Not sure how to get past that. Thank you for helping. Good luck with your journey! Love you!